Our baby is a little boy... and we will meet him in heaven.

"Wow that is a strong heartbeat". Only two weeks ago we were at the doctors office for my 12 week check up and the doctors words keep playing in my mind over and over again. "Now that you've reached 12 weeks your chance of miscarriage goes down to under 1%".

Fast forward two weeks. There is a new blood test on the market called the panorama test... it tests for all kinds of DNA/genetic disorders with baby. The reason we were so excited to do it was because it finds out the gender.

We were told the test takes about two weeks. After the first blood draw the lab came back and said there wasn't enough of baby's DNA in the blood to tell any results,  so they drew a second time.

It took three weeks for us to hear back the second time and we were calling the doctors office everyday. We wanted to know the gender of our baby.

On Friday we got a hold of a nurse and the results had finally come in. As she was reading the results silently to herself I knew something was wrong. 

"It looks like this baby could be at a  high risk of having some genetic problems... can I have the doctor call you back?"

My heart sunk to my stomach. After we hung up we were looking at all of the different genetic disorders the panorama blood test tests for. Down syndrome, trisomy 18.... there was a list of about 10 and they all had significant mental/physical problems.

The nurse called back in 10 minutes. "There are no doctors here available to talk, they were just called to labor and delivery. I didn't want you sitting in anxiety waiting for the next hour."

My husband Sam was talking to her, "Can you just tell us what is wrong with the baby?"

The nurse was silent for a moment,  "It looks like this baby could have trisomy 18."

Damnit.

I knew what trisomy 18 was. I worked on the mother baby floor and one of my patient's had a baby who had trisomy 18. The prognosis is terrible,  it's a more severe form of down syndrome and instead of mental delays the baby has severe physical abnormalities. 

So severe they are incompatible with life.If the baby lives until delivery it will only live at the most a couple hours after birth. 

Numb.That's all I felt. Numb. 

The nurse asked if we knew what trisomy 18 was and Sam replied that I too was a nurse and I knew what it was. The nurse talked to me and said the doctor would call us as soon as he was in. "I'm so sorry, Britney" she said. I had one more question, "What's the baby's gender?" 

I texted my parents and said, "Can you guys drive up here. Right now? We need to talk to you about something." I knew if I tried to call them I'd break down in tears and I didn't want them making the hour drive on that note. As soon as they got the message they both left work immediately and drove down here.

We told Sam's parents first. We told them that we needed to talk to them alone. When I walked in the door Louise could tell something was seriously wrong. I couldn't look her in the face because I would have just broken down. "Britney, Britney... you're worrying me. Britney youre worrying me. What is wrong?" She said as we walked into their bedroom.

"Well we have good news and bad news" Sam said to his parents once we were alone. "The good news is it's a boy"... "The bad news is he has trisomy 18 and he won't live for more than a couple hours after birth."

Tears welled up in my eyes. Louise started sobbing and hugged me. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Sam breaking down as his dad hugged him. "I'm so sorry" Louise said through tears. "I can't imagine being told that." 

My parents showed up shortly after and we told them the prognosis as well. It's the worst seeing your parents cry. They just sat and listened as tears started to glaze over their eyes. My mom hugged me for a long time. "I'm so sorry".

We proceeded to tell everyone our plans. We would carry the baby to term, it was never a thought in our mind to induce early labor because we knew the baby wouldn't survive. I would let him grow in my stomach and once he was born we would provide comfort measures and let him pass away peacefully in my arms. 

We told our parents that we were glad he was sent to us because we feel like we are strong enough to handle the trial and we won't abort him just because of the diagnosis. I talked about how when I cared for the mom whose baby died from trisomy 18 she had left such a profound effect on me and how I left work that day thinking "I need to write about this in my journal." The way the parents of the baby with trisomy handled their baby dying was unlike anything I'd ever seen... they weren't tearful because they knew it would just be a short time until they saw him in heaven again. I talked about how me having that experience with that patient maybe made it so God trusted us enough with this little boy.

Sam talked about how sometimes heavenly father sends these babies to strong women like me because He knows that I will be able to handle the situation and love the little boy but I know that I'll see him in heaven again.

We went out to lunch with my parents and talked about how maybe this baby was sent to me because I will be able to help other people going through similar situations through my blog. Sort of inspire them.

We went into the doctors office that afternoon and he gave us a lot of the information we had already looked up online. Trisomy 18 usually occurs in girls and when it does happen in boys the physical abnormalities are even more severe. 50% of boys with trisomy 18 usually die within the second and third trimester and if they do live to be born they'll only live a couple hours at most.

I told the doctor that Thursday (yesterday) I had been having some sharp shooting pains and so I wanted to check on the baby to make sure everything was ok.

He took us back into the room and the doctor pressed the doppler up against my stomach ans we heard...

Nothing. We heard nothing. So we went back into the ultrasound room and they ultrasounded baby to look for the heart flutter and...

It wasn't there.

The baby had died.

By this time in the day I was numb to everything. I wasn't tearful. I looked at the baby on the ultrasound machine and I saw his little head, body, and arms. He looked cute. I loved him. I felt immense love for him. He was my son and always will be my son and I knew that I would be able to see him again and raise him in heaven.

When we walked out I called my mom and told her there wasn't a heartbeat anymore. She was at work and her voice just cracked through tears. "There's not?"

I told her that in the end we are glad that he passed away comfortably in his womb and that he didn't have to come into this world and struggle to breath and suffer for the short time that he would be on this earth.

What a wirlwind of a day. On the way to the doctors office we were talking about where we would bury our son and Sam carrying the casket with our son in it into his funeral.

And now we find out that he had already passed away.

Honestly, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to do. I woke up this morning just feeling... numb. I think part of me thought I'd wake up and it was all just a dream... that it didn't actually happen. You never imagine these situations happening to you.

I mean, I imagined at some point in my life I would have a miscarriage but this wasn't just a miscarriage... it was a day that just kept on flipping on us before we could prepare ourselves. One thing, from another, to another.

I love my baby... and I'll see him again in heaven. We were ready for this baby... we bought a house with a room for him and I quit my job because I was going to be a momma of two. But this is life,  and sometimes these things happen and they are completely out of our control.

But when everything is spinning out of control there is one constant that we can grab onto and hold tight to, and it's our faith. And that one thing we can control is strengthening our faith.

Through all of this Sam gave me a blessing and it said many wonderful things in it but one of them was that this baby will be our angel watching over us and will be a guardian to Jake as he grows, watching over him and helping him to become the best he can.

We love our angel boy and we can't wait to see him again in heaven.